Financial Intimacy 101: Why Money Accidentally Becomes Power in Relationships
Key Takeaways:
- Why is talking about finances so hard for couples? Money is deeply taboo. Most of us never learned the language to discuss it, and we carry invisible baggage from how we were raised.
- What happens when one partner makes way more than the other? Income can accidentally become power, making one person's “vote” feel more valuable.
- How can you fix income-based power struggles? A cash flow strategy that pools income and distributes equal allowances can level the playing field, while giving each partner autonomy over their own money.
Let me tell you a story about a couple who almost broke up over drapes.
These two were madly in love and had just finished this incredible home renovation together, the kind where you survive arguing about tile choices and contractor delays and somehow come out the other side still liking each other.
And then came the final decision: custom window treatments. One partner loved them. The other saw the price tag and immediately vetoed.
Related: Stop Wasting Money
The debate escalated, emotions flared, and eventually one of them dropped the conversational equivalent of a grenade:
“Well, I make all the money.”
And just like that, the room went quiet.
This is what a lack of financial intimacy looks like in real life. And if you've ever felt like your voice doesn't count as much because you earn less (or if you've ever caught yourself thinking your bigger paycheck gives you the right to make the call), you know exactly how fast this dynamic can poison even the strongest relationships.
The details change (vacations, renovations, wine cellars, private school tuition, how much to help your struggling sibling), but the underlying conflict is almost always the same:
When couples don’t intentionally talk about money, money starts talking for them.
Why Money Feels Like the World's Worst Dinner Party Topic
Money is a deeply taboo topic.
It's right up there with politics, religion, and asking your aunt why she's still single. But unlike those landmines, money touches everything in your life: where you live, what you eat, whether you can take time off, how you help your family, what your retirement looks like, and whether you can afford therapy to process all of this.
This gets even trickier when it comes to couples and finances, because the beliefs you hold about money are usually invisible to you. Maybe you grew up watching your parents fight constantly about money, so now any conversation about spending feels like the opening act of a relationship-ending argument. Maybe your family lost everything when you were young, so you hoard every penny even when you're objectively secure.
The kicker is that your partner(s) has completely different beliefs and reactions running in their head, based on their own history, family drama, and experiences.
That’s why the first step we take to help you get aligned is to help you recognize that these differences exist, they're real for both of you, and neither of you is "right."
When Your Paycheck Accidentally Becomes a Weapon
Did you know that when you compare the top 20% of income earners to the bottom 20%, the difference in longevity is twelve years. Twelve. Years. Money literally determines how long you live.
For better or worse, in a world where capitalism and the almighty dollar run the show, money buys everything.
So when one partner makes significantly more than the other, that power differential doesn't just stay in your bank account; it seeps into the relationship. Here's how this usually plays out:
- The higher earner starts to feel like they're carrying more weight. They're working longer hours, dealing with more stress, and bringing home the bigger number. It starts to feel (consciously or not) like their preferences should count a little more.
- Meanwhile, the lower earner starts to feel smaller. Their opinions feel less valid. They start self-censoring, holding back on what they really want, afraid to rock the boat because they're not contributing "enough" financially.
And the worst part? Both people often think this is fair. The higher earner thinks, "I'm just being practical—I am paying for more." The lower earner thinks, "They're right, I shouldn't get an equal vote when I'm not bringing in equal money."
Measuring Up
Here's what makes me want to flip tables about this whole dynamic: Income is just one contribution to a relationship. Think about all the other things partners bring to the table that actually matter:
- Who's better at maintaining the friendships that keep you both sane?
- Who does the emotional labor of remembering every birthday, anniversary, and dietary restriction?
- Who helps the kids with their increasingly incomprehensible math homework?
- Who's more adventurous in bed? (Seriously, what could be more important to a relationship than that?!)
There's no spreadsheet tracking who's funnier or who makes the house feel like an actual home. We don't quantify those contributions because they're not as easily measurable.
The only reason money creates this power dynamic is because you can point to a number and say, "mine's bigger." And that's absolutely ridiculous. Your vote on drapery shouldn't be worth more just because your salary has more zeros.
HI, I’m Brandon. Welcome to Couples Therapy.
There's something powerful about having three people in the conversation instead of two. When it's just partners going head-to-head, it becomes confrontational. But add a third person, and suddenly it's less emotionally explosive.
When couples come to me with money conflicts, I get to be the objective third party who says, "Okay, here's the professional assessment: One of you thinks you're poor, the other thinks you're rich. Here's who you objectively are based on your actual financial situation and your goals."
Communication Is Still Everything
I know, I know. Revolutionary advice. But genuinely, financial intimacy requires communication. You have to be willing to share your needs, desires, and fears about money. And you have to be willing to actually hear what your partner is saying, even when it makes you deeply uncomfortable or defensive.
The cash flow strategy helps create structure. Having advisor-as-referee helps defuse tension. But none of it works if you can't have honest conversations about what money means to you, what you're afraid of, and why you react the way you do when your partner suggests another international vacation.
Building Financial Intimacy with a Sexier Cash Flow Strategy
At Brio, we use a cash flow strategy specifically designed to eliminate income-based power dynamics. It's beautifully simple, surprisingly effective, and works like this:
- Step 1: Take your income and your partner's income and pool it all into one joint account at a separate institution. (Not your personal bank; the psychological separation matters here.)
- Step 2: That joint account pays for your shared life—mortgage, groceries, utilities, insurance, etc.
- Step 3: Each of you gets an individual account with your own personal allowance based on your goals, spending patterns, and what actually makes you both feel comfortable.
There’s always room for us to customize your setup, too. The goal is finding the structure that lets both of you feel seen, valued, and equal, even when the paychecks aren't.
Even though you might intellectually know that one person earns more, when you're both receiving your monthly allowance, there's a dissociation from those individual paychecks. The playing field levels.
And you get to do whatever you want with your money! Maybe you hoard it like a dragon protecting treasure. Or maybe you go full shopaholic. You do you.
Money Doesn't Have to Be the Villain in Your Love Story
Money doesn't need to be big and scary and boring. It can actually be fun. It can be the thing that creates freedom and possibility instead of the thing that slowly destroys your partnership one argument at a time.
Remember the couple with the drapes? It was never really about the drapes. They were about feeling seen, valued, and equal in a relationship. About knowing your voice matters just as much as your partner's, regardless of whose name is on the bigger paycheck.
And that's work we can absolutely do together.
If you're already working with Brio and you're feeling tension around income inequality or financial decision-making, bring it up in our next meeting. This is exactly what we're here for, and we can customize your cash flow strategy to support your actual partnership, not the Pinterest-perfect version.
If you're not yet working with us but you have your own “drapes” situation, we invite you to learn more about our approach in a complimentary Make It Happen meeting. We've helped couples navigate every version of this conversation, and we'd love to help you too.
This material presented by Brio Financial Group (“Brio”) is for informational purposes only and is not intended to serve as a substitute for personalized investment advice or as a recommendation or solicitation of any particular security, strategy, or investment product. Facts presented have been obtained from sources believed to be reliable, however Brio cannot guarantee the accuracy or completeness of such information, and certain information presented here may have been condensed or summarized from its original source. Brio does not provide legal or tax advice, and nothing contained in these materials should be taken as legal or tax advice. Advisory services are only offered to clients or prospective clients where Brio and its representatives are properly licensed or exempt from licensure. No advice may be rendered by Brio Financial Group unless a client service agreement is in place.
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